new year.

i watched the stranger things finale this morning and found myself tearing up. i also watched an episode of curb your enthusiasm where bill buckner the baseball player saved a baby from a burning building with a diving catch and the crowd cheered and praised him for his heroism. I then proceeded to start crying.

so i started to ponder why. commercials, songs, thoughts can all make me tear up. im not overly sensative, or maybe i am. why? why do i feel such strong emotions when someone does something herioc or brave or epic? an underdog story knockout in the ufc can set me off. what a bitch huh?

Maybe it’s because I’m a dad now. Maybe it’s because I’ve buried friends. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to rebuild myself more than once. Maybe it’s because I know how rare it is for anyone to be seen doing something right. sometimes i think i will never make a difference. maybe ill never be applauded and seen for the things i do. part of me thinks all of the things we do for personal passion are just subtle ways to feel seen and heard.

It’s embarrassing to admit because it sounds soft. I’m not a soft person. I’m tired. I’m realistic. I’ve seen enough to know how ugly things get. But those moments bypass all of that.

In kitchens, nobody claps when you save a service. In parenting, nobody cheers when you hold it together. In sobriety, nobody throws roses when you don’t fuck up. You just move on to the next thing. That’s fine. That’s the job. But it adds up.

i got sober from alcohol 3 years ago today. this past year has taught me so many fucking lessons about myself. about love. failure. loss. pain. support. regret. they all hurt like a mother fucker but i keep learning so much about who i am. i feel like im finally starting to know myself. a person i don’t think i ever gave myself the time to meet. a person hidden behind a number of different styles of guy.

for a few years i was emo scene guy, or skater guy. hip hop guy. nightclub douche guy. corporate office guy. drunk guy. dad guy. you get it. ive lived many different lives already and this year will be no different.

what will we be this year? what does the future hold for who you are now and what you want to be? how could you even know!?

i think my point is: this is just another year in a series of years. don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be the hero or chase the applause of others. try to see and hear, yourself. for the sake of learning more about who you are, who you want to be, and what you want to do with this short life youre given. look up at the vast universe every so often and ponder. take a break. fucking think.

at the beginning of last year, i was struggling with “the weight of time”. how i constantly feel hyper aware of every ticking second of every fucking day. its exhausting to think that way. i don’t see time as the enemy anymore or atleast not right now. time, is our only valueable currency. money, status, fuckin brands mean nothing. (we get it. you’re not profound, asshole). i know i know.

its a new year. don’t fuck it up.

🤜