a quick update
To say the last 6 months have been hard would be an understatement. As I finish the Course 4 drop, I wanted to just share how I have been feeling lately, if nothing else than to offer some perspective, and maybe help someone feeling the same. I know I haven’t written anything here in a while. Usually I have some silly bit idea, or some angry rant ready to go and share with you all, but if I’m being honest, the words just haven’t been there. My interest in mocking whatever influencers are lying to you about this week, or the motivational musings I usually have for you about “being yourself” or “telling it like it is,” all seem like horseshit to me lately.
In the last few months I have felt everything, and I have felt nothing. A long, drawn-out breakup at the beginning of the year. My son moving across the country. Bills. Traffic tickets. Love. Loss. Grief. Pain. Sadness. Laughter. Anger. Vengeance. Empathy. (If you wanna hear a full update, listen to this show now) Sometimes everything seems to go wrong at once, and it will go wrong. And I’m not even here to bullshit you and say it gets better. What the fuck do I know. I have been taking it one day at a time, just like my sobriety. At the same time, I feel lost. I feel behind my peers and people my age. Like I let my own life pass me by (which, when you’re blacked out most nights of the week, you are).
Struggling to get footing when I feel like I’m not in control of my own life. I talk about letting go of the wheel a lot. One of the hardest things I have had to do is teach myself to let go of the emotions, the feelings, and the choices I have no control over. Making the decision to allow my son to move to Arizona wasn’t an easy one. I’ve seen what custody battles can do to children, and frankly, I have to trust the universe has my back. I have to. Choosing to end a 6-year relationship also wasn’t an easy one. I’ve felt like a bad father, a bad partner, a bad friend. A bad son. Just a bad person. And I’ve felt numb, had urges to drink, and wanted to just give up.
It hasn’t been easy, but I’m here. Course 4 is personal. It’s vulnerable. Emotional. It’s a culmination of all the things I’ve felt or wanted to feel or say but couldn’t over the past year. I feel cringe and dumb saying all of this, but it’s honest. As much as I would love to not be myself with you all, I just can’t do that. I’m just a guy trying to do shit I love for you.
I hope you all can enjoy the feeling behind this drop. I don’t just make shirts so I can steal your hard-earned money. I want to relate to you. I want to create a sort of fellowship. I always wanted to compare Dinner Rush to a traditional motorcycle club. I got your back. I’m one of you. Life has fucked me just as hard as it has fucked some of you. I’m right there with you. Peaks and valleys, motherfucker.
The ones who have been here since day one, thank you. I see you, and I appreciate every purchase, share, message, all of it. There are times I feel like no one is listening, reading, or caring what I am trying to do here. Sometimes, I don’t even know what that is. It’s similar to life in that way. Most of us don’t have a clue what we’re doing. That’s the coolest part. Create and do what you want. It’s the only life you get. And to the ones that don’t fuck with us? Watch your back (metaphorically).
(I guess I am trying to do some motivational horseshit. My bad. Create what you need. Isn’t that what they say?)
It’s late and i’ve babbled way too much.
Talk soon. Keep walking.
